Hot child in the city

Lately I have been finding myself half-awake at different times of the night, wondering over whether I'm living my life the right way. I know it's no-ones to tell how I should be doing it, so I usually don't let anyone get me down when I catch something that should be critical towards my life in what they're saying, but sometimes I can't help myself.
I know my babysister isn't reading this blog so I feel almost fearless when saying I once upon a time read her diary and the following is very close to what she wrote in one part: looking at my sister I feel kind of sad, because I'm hoping that at her age I will be an attractive young woman going somewhere with my life. She is good, though.
Now that last part, the one that sounded exactly like pity, that's what hurt. Not the part saying I'm not attractive nor going anywhere with my life.

My flatmate has her friends over, they're drinking rum&coke and getting ready to go out. A very frequent thing. I used to go out and drink till I got sick and have a blast, enjoying myself (till I got sick) and generally having an awesome time, I don't do that any more.
There's more than one reason - 1) I don't want to be spending money on alcohol, 2) I was recently discovered a health condition that alcohol could make much worse, 3) I don't want to get hangovers, they're getting worse these days & 4) I used to go out often in a childish hope to meet someone, but I've buried that, too.
So now, after actually having written those reasons down, I feel like a miserable muppet who has lost the last of her abilities to have fun or be fun.
Now I'm not saying it's all down to going out and drinking (the "having fun" part), but I suppose it all came down to that in my past.
I do have other things I consider fun for myself, for example I'm very much into extreme sports, but that's only looking at others having fun doing them, because I'm too insecure to actually go out there and learn to windsurf, skydive or even do a bungee jump. If there was someone there really into it all who woul be delighted to take me along, I would be delighted to go along. Haven't met anyone yet. I'm moving in wrong circles of people, I suppose, because everyone I know, is into heavy drinking and passing out in the toilets kind of extremities.
Even expressing myself with painting or (jeez) even doing a fucking collage ( I do create my own jewellery - earrings, that is..)is kind of too much of an effort for me. Maybe because there's no one around e to go on and appreciate it. Besides me of course.

So why did I go and let it all aut for the first time in a public blog? I dunno.. Maybe because I could and no one barely ever comes here besides me, so that's OK, too.

You have a pleasant night now, I will. Wallowing in my self-pity.
I will correct the grammar and spelling mistakes tomorrow. Or maybe not this time. The hell with it, I just won't do it at all this time!