Crack The Shutters Open Wide

It's been far too long since I last posted anything.
This was said more to myself than anyone else, although I'm not really sure if there is anone else at all who actually comes here every now and again to read this.
I do tend to sometimes think that I have this blog, like tons of other people, for sharing my "excellent" writing skills with the world. Other times I just bring myself back to the ground because why on earth would anyone come here and read this? To find out how I did nothing last weekend at my parents? Didn't think so.
I've had blogs before on different sites and I've always kind of had them as semi-public diaries so that I could come back some two years later and realise how much I've grown since then.
Actually, two years ago I had a month or so when I had no internet, but I still kept a diary on the desktop of my PC as a Notebook file. I was going through a period of having lots of bills to pay and practically no hours at work. So no money and lots of free time, then. Every night I would write. About my day, about life in general, just pouring everything out of me onto the screen. After I had done my entry I spent at least 15 minutes making up a playlist to listen to while I fall asleep playing Solitaire.
Then I was going out with this guy who read my "diary" and even after I finished things with him, every time we met, he asked me if I keep on writing because he thought I should do it for living. Suppose it was part of the reason I sometimes think I'm good at it although I know I'm clearly not. I simply have my own way with words which is OK. He gave me a lot of material for writing later on, though, that bastard!
I'm reading "Seize The Day" by Saul Bellow at the moment, in estonian, and I feel like retyping it. Someone's done a really bad job at editing this thing, the mistakes in punctuation are enough to make a 9-year-old laugh out loud. I know my grammar and punctuation might not be perfect here, but I try to check on it after I finish my post and it's a BOOK for crying out loud! Not a blog entry. It's embarrassing to read!

The reason I got out of bed at all after having retired there two hours ago to read and then sleep is Clon. As I've understood, I'm not the only one with that problem in my circle of friends - not being able to sleep at night because I want to go back - there's others. I was leading the most ordinary life there for two years, working, partying, making friends, having relationships, breaking them, trying to be independent, trying to settle. Then I came back home and now I feel like I need to go back there again, because for some reason all I did there seems so much more special now. The grass is greener (I had to say it!) and it just seems that the people there actually miss me more than they did here. Yes, I know how unfair this is to a few of my very good friends and family here, but most of them wanted me to come back here for selfish reasons, see - I was fun. Now that I don't drink and party much any more and am boring, I'm not necessary any more. I could just as well go back. So I lay in my bed at nights, thinking of how life is gonna be when (see, it's not even "if") I go back to Clon and it's going to be brilliant, I'm going to have a family there, settle down, have a job I like, dogs and a countryhouse and who knows - maybe I'll even learn how to drive a car.
It's the place where all my dreams will come tue, just like Estonia was when I was in Clon.

What I've learnt from this tonight?
I obviously don't know how to live my life.
But that's OK, too. No-one does. Really.


Oh, by the way, Snow Patrol's new album is surprisingly good.